In my speaking, training and workshop experiences on my identity-first paradigm for leading, teaming, coaching and workplaces, I ask teams and leaders to make a paper fortune teller.

Yes, there’s some initial hesitation and funny looks. But once we tear that bottom piece of paper off to make a square, they are all in. You might remember making one in elementary school – You pick a color, then a number. It flips back and forth in your hands. You pick again, and somewhere inside is a message – half prediction, half nonsense, and completely serious when you were nine!and if you didn’t, you should look up “paper fortune teller” and give it a go!

My version is called The Identity Teller ^TM.

Layers of The Identity Teller ^TM

It works and it resonates because it’s a tangible metaphor for the layers of self-as-leader identity.

We begin on the outside. I ask them how people would describe their leadership.

They don’t struggle with this part. And their unique self-as-leader strengths beautifully take position on those four corners of the identity teller.

Calm under pressure.
Supportive.
Collaborative.
Decisive.

It’s the version of themselves that works. The version that’s been reinforced. The version most leadership development is designed around. Competencies. Skills. What we can see and measure clearly.

And to be clear – knowing this about your self-as-leader matters. It’s how you got to where you are.

The Next Layer

Then we open the next layer. I ask where leadership is particularly hard for them.

Reflection begins. Thoughtful looks are evident around the room as they consider what is most challenging for them about leadership on the daily. They write things like:

Difficult conversations.
Holding people accountable.
Making unpopular decisions.
Navigating ambiguity.

This is where things start to get real. And their discussions bring important validation and “me too!” We also explore how leadership breaks down in moments that carry extra tension, risk, and consequence. And noticing whose expectations come into play.

Some leadership training intervenes here and illuminates growth edges and leadership under pressure. Models. Language. Scenarios. These are all good, important, and impactful.

But there’s another layer where my identity-first paradigm comes to life… and leader life. Where the “a-ha” is visible and deep connections are made with new awareness that translates to new behavior.

The Inner Layer

Then we open the center. I unpack the definitions and related constructs to identity-first leadership, teaming, coaching, and workplaces.

We look at what’s connected. There are several steps here but the inner layer reflection is the part that changes everything.

I ask: When leadership feels difficult (like the second layer) and the first layer strengths are waning – what happens on the inside? In your thinking? Emotion? What comes out?

How does this illuminate what you might be trying to protect? And the room goes quiet. Deep reflection continues. Because now we’re not talking about skills anymore.

They write their innermost rules and fears and strongly-held protections on their innermost layer and then courageously pick up the discussion. They talk about things like:

Being seen as competent.
Maintaining relationships.
Avoiding conflict.
Not getting it wrong.

And they realize how this is the part that actually drives behavior, responses, decisions.

Beyond what you know.
Beyond what you’ve been trained to do.

But what each of us is trying to protect when it matters. This is where most leadership development misses. We stay focused on what’s visible – behavior, language, competency. All important.

But behavior doesn’t originate there. It’s shaped beneath it.

So when a leader is in a real moment – when the stakes are high, when something feels at risk – they don’t reach for the model. They default to whatever feels most important to protect- for them. Knowing what this is changes everything.

And that’s why some training doesn’t hold. And why a simple paper fortune turned identity teller makes something visible that usually isn’t.

Once a leader can see that, the conversation changes. We’re no longer trying to fix behavior. We’re working with what’s underneath it. Now we can understand the reaction instead of fighting it and we can see the pattern instead of judging it.

And then we can make an intentioned choice about how to show up, rather than defaulting to the same response over and over again.

The exercise itself isn’t the point. It’s just a way in. A way to get to the part of leadership that determines whether anything we teach ever gets used.

The question isn’t just how you lead when things are easy. The better question is who do you BECOME when they’re not? When the rules and deep protections light up?

Email me drnatalie@drnataliepickering.com if you use The Identity Teller ^TM in your own coaching or leadership development training. I would love to hear how it works for you! And if you want to talk about infusing identity-first leadership, teaming, coaching, and workplaces into your organization, I would love to do that too!