It’s one of the most common complaints I hear from frustrated leaders:

“Why won’t my team speak up?”
“Why am I the last to know what’s going on?”
“Why does everything seem to happen around me instead of with me?”

The answer is hard to hear — but it’s also the key to unlocking the kind of leadership you really want to embody.

It’s not just about communication breakdowns or team dysfunction.
It’s about a deeper issue that silently shapes how people experience you as a leader:

Self-deception.

What Is Self-Deception in Leadership?

Self-deception happens when a leader has lost touch with who they really are — and operates instead from a curated version of themselves shaped by ambition, fear, or habit. These leaders often believe they are approachable, empowering, and trustworthy.

But the truth?

Their team experiences them very differently.
And people respond to who you are, not who you think you are.

When a leader operates from a false self — a performance instead of presence — the team intuitively senses the disconnect. Trust erodes. Conversations shut down. And before long, people start working around the leader instead of with them.

The good news? This pattern is reversible.
But it requires a return to authenticity and a commitment to self-awareness.

Three Strategies to Break the Cycle of Self-Deceit

1. Get Real with Yourself: Start the Identity Work

You can’t lead others well if you haven’t led yourself honestly.

This isn’t about improving your executive presence or polishing your brand — it’s about reflecting deeply on the question:

If I weren’t in charge, would I choose to follow me?

If you’re willing to listen to the answer — from yourself and others — you’ll uncover unconscious behaviors that may be driving team silence or disengagement.

Try this:

• Keep a leadership journal for 30 days: note any tension, resistance, or confusion you experience and how you respond.
• Identify 2–3 recurring scenarios where things tend to go sideways (e.g., conflict, feedback, team autonomy).
• Ask: What’s the common denominator in these situations? What might I be avoiding or overcompensating for?
• Consider working with a coach or therapist to explore blind spots shaped by your personal story.

The more clarity you have about your inner world, the more integrity your outer leadership will carry.

2. Invite Truth-Tellers, Not Echo Chambers

Self-deceived leaders often surround themselves with people who won’t challenge them — not out of narcissism, but out of fear.

Change that. On purpose.

Build relationships with trusted colleagues who are willing to tell you the hard truths — and practice receiving feedback with curiosity, not defensiveness.

Try this:

• Ask a colleague: What’s something I do that might unintentionally shut people down?
• Create safe, anonymous channels for team input.
• When you get tough feedback, don’t explain it away. Say thank you. Sit with it. Learn from it.

The more you can model openness, the more psychological safety your team will feel — and the more likely they are to engage honestly.

3. Rebuild Trust by Going First

If your team has been walking on eggshells or keeping work off your radar, you can’t demand trust back — you have to earn it.

Start by going first. Own your part. Share what you’re learning about your leadership habits, and talk openly about how you’re growing. Vulnerability isn’t weakness — it’s leadership in action.

Try this:

• Acknowledge a blind spot in your next team meeting and explain how you’re working on it.
• Ask for input early in the decision-making process, not just after plans are made.
• Check in one-on-one with team members to understand their experience of your leadership.

When people see that you’re willing to lead from authenticity, not authority alone, they’ll stop working around you — and start working with you.

The Bottom Line

You can’t fake presence.
You can’t outsource self-awareness.
And you definitely can’t lead others from behind a mask you’ve forgotten you’re wearing.

The leaders people trust most aren’t perfect — they’re real.
They’ve done the internal work to know who they are.
And that clarity makes them the kind of person others want to follow.

Ready to lead from your own skin?
Download Chapter 1 from my book Leading Becomes YOU and receive updates for the book launch!

Dr. Natalie Pickering
Organizational Psychologist | Identity-Based Leadership Coach
Author of Leading Becomes You: How to Lead from Your Own Skin
Helping leaders trade performance for presence and create cultures of trust.